Are You Riding Alone, Can I Be Your Date?

I don't know about cars. I don't care about cars.

In fact, I'm the last person to recognize a car's make or brand. But I know this: I've recently developed this enduring fantasy (enduring 'cause I'm gonna entertain it forevaaa) about driving a car that's a babe magnet.

The thing is, I live in the suburbs of Houston, a spit and a boot scoot away from cowboy country. And what do I see every day? I see buckin' bronco bros in their pimped-out F-150s with the monster tires and the oversized mufflers and the pro-hunting bumper stickers. And when I see one of them cheesin' at me out of his truck window with the stereo blasting Pearl Jam or what have you, I just yearn for some class.

Now, of course there have always been amorous country types cruisin' the hayfields for cowgirls. And I'm sure that strategy has worked out from time to time. I'm sure.

But man, you know in the old days when fellas could actually get girls by the glory of their wheels alone? Cars used to be cool. Cars didn't need to be pimped out back then. I'm talking old-style Cadillacs and Mercedes Benzes. How else did an ax-wielding hillbilly like Leo get himself a pretty waitress wife in Twin Peaks? With his cool car! How else did any studmuffin, hunk, cad, chump, or nerd in the auto-prime '50s through '80s get his mate? With his cool car!

So if lads can do this, why not ladies?

That's why I'm gonna own the classic babe magnet. Yup. The classic babe magnet.
You know, the kind of car where, if you so desired, you could justifiably be like, "D'you wanna go make out in my car?" I say justifiably, because the car is actually a gorgeous machine, not some sorry attempt at cool, like these ugly modern luxury vehicles. Yuck.

Now, is the classic babe magnet the kind of car that a respectable girl can take to go parking at a drive-in? Indeed! With pride. Because what else are you gonna do with a vintage car but indulge in vintage extracurriculars?

Have I convinced you yet that the lady-driven babe magnet is where it's at? If not, I recommend you go back and watch Grace Kelly boating around in her convertible in To Catch A Thief, or for a different feel, maybe Molly Ringwald putting about in her oldster roadster in Pretty in Pink. If a dame in a movie can drive a babe magnet, I can too, right? Right!

I'm all about this:

Cadillac ad from Life, 1963.

Look at this appeal to the femininity of the female consumer. Hey there, ad-men, don't talk down to me, I just wanna ride.

So, am I teasing or talking real investment? Your guess, cruisin' buddy.

A mobile girl is a happy girl, as one of my best friends advises me. But what's this, do I hear some grumblings about the cost of petrol and old car maintenance? Uh, what? Who would ruin a girl's mobile dreams with talk of practicality? Someone who probably hates world peace and kittens. So, I'll let you know when someday my gender-role-reversal fantasy -- I mean, lust for hot old cars -- manifests itself in the form of an awesome set o' old-school wheels. Vroom vroom!