Where Does It Get The Power Without Panels?

Hellzapoppin'!

What does that mean? Something like "all hell's breaking loose." It's just a fab expression from the '30s that I like at the moment. And maybe it also means I'm wearing an oversized yellow dress cinched with a pink ribbon!

Now, I'm sure you're wondering: Doesn't this dress fly in the face of my anti-hag in a bag stance? Yeah, probably.  But I was powerless in the glow of that bright yellow emanating from the clothesrack. It was all, "Buuuuuyyy me, I'm the keep-cool tunic you've been looking for all summer." And I was all, "Hot diggity, I'll throw me down a tenner." This actually happened. Sorta.

Now it's time for some variety programming. I bought a bunch of Life magazines at Half Price Books a few weeks ago, and after I cut 'em up for arts n' farts projects, I looked through the ads and deemed them worthy to share on this blog.

Refer to Exhibit A. What are we looking at, chummies? A gal's best friend! Remember every Monday in 1961 when you invited the girls over for a game of bridge and you worried about spilling cocktails over your deck (of cards, that is), so you had to invest in diamond-coated playing cards? I bet you do. Anyone who reads this blog (and enjoys it) has memories of diamond-coated cards.

Stay fresh, card-playing ladies! We are about to take a tour of some ads from Life circa '61-'63:

Just like a brewski, a baby keeps well (and happy!) in a cool environment. This is the wonder of modern air conditioning! Remember when babies used to spoil and go all moldy before a.c.?

It's your lucky day, canoers in the land of sky blue waters! A giant hand is gonna serve you a giant Hamm's! Note that everything needs to be fresh in this decade. Cards, babies, even beers.

This ad is for a watch company (that begins with a B!). But really. Without knowing that, could you solve this riddle? If you could, you get a baby. I think I have an extra one in my air conditioning unit.

Nancy is not part of an ad, but I think she's pretty fantastic. The kid tap-dances on the ceiling! She does headstands in a box (with her name on it!) while wearing glam costumes! What a living!

I want to go to the prom back then. It looks like so much fun. It's like an all-night long pajama party. Oh, wait, these teens are prettying up for the prom. Never mind.

Girdle girdle! Say that two times fast. Fun, eh? Alright, so this ad is telling me that no-lump girdles are the thing to have. Right, right. Got that. Now, where does it get the power without panels? Yeah ... I dunno either.

When you are out being a lady driver and you suddenly get a flat tire, you may as well be in a horror movie! Hitchcock it up, lady drivers who don't carry spares!

If anybody even thinks about offering me a Marlboro, I'll sock myself in the eye!

Color me curious -- I found out through some good ol' Innernet research that "Us Tareyton smokers would rather fight" is an ad campaign phenom. So I decided to try my hand at it:

Us fake smokers would rather bruise than abuse. (Oh man, could I be an ad-writer?)

What do you think? Do I win the dubious distinction of being good at victim make-up?

Those are all the ads for today, reader dears. You might like to know, on another note, that I might be out of a hobby soon. If this happens, I will probably cry. Sometimes I hate what the Internet has done to old-fashioned hobbies. Boo-hoo! Next up, I'm gonna inaugurate a letter-writing campaign called "Write or Die" that will feature P. Diddy, Barbara Bush, and Franklin from Arrested Development as spokespersons. Foolproof? Duh, it's fated to bomb, but it'll get publicity, which worked for Citizen Change, didn't it?

In the meantime, I've thought of an infallible rom-com movie plot: Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Girl moves away. Boy and girl write letters. Buuuuuut ... the postal service is about to run out of money and close down, taking their romance along with it! (Of course, there is no other way for them to keep in contact! The girl moved to, like, a trailer park in the desert with no WiFi or something).  I'm going to make this into a movie and get rich and then I won't have time in my busy movie producer schedule to post to this blog. You bet ... not!