It Hurts To Think About You In The Arms Of A Stranger: An Open Letter To My Ex-Jacket

Here comes that feeling again, and it ain't right. Which one? That ol' feeling of nostalgia mixed with regret.

What am I feelin' nostalgic/regretful about?

That brown leather fringe jacket that I threw away!

This jacket. It was my prized Bins find, back in that fateful autumn of twenty-ten.

What happened that autumn to make it fateful? I had a bug infestation scare that year, and I freaked out and blamed my new Bins jacket. So, I tossed it in the dumpster. Then I realized that pinning a bug problem on a jacket was pretty dumb, but when I returned later that night to recover my trashed treasure, it was gone. Some dumpster diver must've taken my jacket. It was the darndest thing!

Now, what's so bad about this blunder? Well, every Goodwill shopper worth her pinched pennies knows that no one ever gets diseases or bugs or germs from digging used clothes out of a plastic bin! And, even if you do, it's all about how much character your wardrobe has -- not whether your closet could pass a health inspection. What a hoot that would be!

So, I am including here an open letter to that awesome jacket I so foolishly tossed aside: 

Dear Vintage 1980's Western Style Leather Jacket,

I know our thing together was a long time ago, but I thought it was about time that I 'fessed up to my mistakes. I'm sorry that I broke your heart (which you wore up your sleeve anyway) and that I threw you away like yesterday's garbage.

Really, you were the coolest. When we went out together, I felt like Johnny Depp going undercover in 21 Jump Street. You had creases in your skin, but you weren't distressed, just wise. I knew you were the real thing -- you had earned that look through age.

I'll admit, sometimes I wasn't sure about you. Like, you always smelled like tobacco mixed with mildew. Maybe you used to spend a lot of time in basements before you met me. I didn't know much about your past. Whatever, I didn't really care. I just wanted to be with you all the time. And you made me feel so warm inside.

I'm sorry I threw you out that night. I wasn't mad at you. I just got paranoid about things going around and I thought you were responsible. BUT NOW I KNOW IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

I hope you're not still hot under the collar about the way I gave you the boot, and that you found a way in your leathery old soul to forgive me. Maybe you have some souvenirs of me still -- some loose change or old Mike's receipts in your pockets. Remember when we took these photos together?

Anyway, I know you're having fun somewhere, probably going to '80s rodeo parties or roadside country bars or Dolly Parton karaoke nights or wherever else you look good, like you belong. Maybe that new somebody who picked you up that night liked you for your ridiculous fringe or your tanned skin the way I did, which makes me wish I could have you back in my arms. Bring your cute hide back to me, babe. But it's cool, I understand that it's over.

Love always,

Your Ex-Owner (it wasn't a Depeche Mode "Master and Servant" thing between us, but I totally owned you!)

In other news, what's the funniest thing to coincide with New York Fashion Week? Nope, it's not my secret love life with jackets! 

It's the winner of the American Apparel Plus Size Model contest! I think this lady is hilarious, crude, and verging on Cindy Sherman-esque. And I mean all of this as a compliment!

What's my opinion of plus-size modeling? It's a tough sport, fellas and femmes, as tough to get into as regular modeling. And of American Apparel? I may own a unitard or two from that morally and financially bankrupt com-pa-knee, but I feel objectified and demoralized when I wear it. Kidding. Of course I feel great in it. I mean weird. I mean great.

That's all, folks! Except for one more thing:

If you listened to El Perro Del Mar's gorgeous cover of "Here Comes That Feeling," (the line "it ain't right" will link you to it) you might like to know that rockabilly/country singer Brenda Lee sung it first, and you should make like a library card and check that out! (Man, I'm such a punster. Shameless.)

EDITOR'S NOTE: I found this jacket on Etsy that looks like the identical twin of my old leather one. Could it be could it be? Guess I'll never know!