My Favorite Baxters of Yesteryear

I've picked up a lot of important lessons from teen cult classics of the 1980s. Important movie lesson #1: the guy who should get the girl never does.

Wait, what? Aren't these '80s teen movies all about wish fulfillment?

Yeah, I thought so too, but I've realized that I got majorly gypped by most of my favorite teen movies of three decades ago. I used to think I was excited for the heroine who wins the crush of her dreams, but I finally woke up to the fact that in most cases I can't stand the guy that she chooses to be her boyfriend and/or prom date.

The nerds and good guys of yesteryear got trampled by the hunks of yesteryear, and that just ain't right. So, I've decided to compile a list of some of my favorite baxters of  '80s cinema. A baxter, according to the 2005 comedy The Baxter, is that nice guy who gets dumped by the protagonist in favor of a sexier, more exciting hunk o' man.

1. The baxter of all baxters, Duckie Dale in Pretty in Pink. Sure, Duckie's a wise-ass, he's a bit dorky and he over-romances Andie, the movie's heroine and the lady he's pining for. But he's funny and clever and he has the best style -- way better than even Andie's homemade fashions. And who could forget that scene when he bumps, grinds, and lip-syncs to Otis Redding? I know, there's already a Duckie fan club, and I just joined it.

Duckie Dale: Doin' things, lookin' good, not gettin' the crazy lady of his dreams.

And for some reason, he thinks Andie is the bee's knees. Honestly, I don't get why Duckie is friends with Andie -- most of the time she looks like she's thinking, Ugh, like, why am I friends with this dork? Whatev, I really need to buy more second-hand hats so I can sew some flowers on them before I go mope at the ska bar I hang out at even though I'm in high school. And she doesn't get Duckie's humor, like, at all. Andie's a strong female protagonist and an uber stylish femme, but she's really just super boring. She falls for Blane, the popular rich kid in the blazer. Sure, Blane's funny or whatever, but I couldn't get past his weird eyes or spindly fingers or the way he looks like he's drinking milk from a straw when he's kissing.

Okay, so I'll admit that Blane and Andie are pretty perfect for each other, since they're both pretty lame and boring. Plus, Andie can go from Strong Heroine to Total Basketcase at the flip of a New Order synth key. Like that scene when she confronts Blane after he hasn't answered, like, three of her phone calls. "WHAT ABOUT PROM. NO! WHAT ABOUT PROM!" she screeches while slamming his frail body into a locker. Who would be all up on that crazy lady? The boring guy in the blazer, of course!

2.  Lloyd Dobler's female friends in Say Anything. Lady baxters deserve mention too! Lloyd's trio of girl friends (D.C., Corey, and Pamela) are clearly in love with him, but instead he goes for that priss Diane Court.  I think Lloyd's totally cool and obviously a catch, and it helps a whole lot that he's played by John Cusack. But his woman just doesn't cut it for me.

Now, I can see you don't believe me when I say that there are baxters in Say Anything. But c'mon, just think about every scene when Lloyd is hanging out with his girl friends and planning his moves on Diane right in front of them. Yeah, check those girls' grins. Lloyd's totally clueless to the fact that his friends, especially D.C., the girl with the brunette perm, is completely gaga over him. And there's nothing more telling than that scene when Corey is like, "If you were Diane Court, would you honestly fall for Lloyd?" And Pamela and D.C. are all, "Yeah," while grinning like loony fools. Baxters.

An excerpt from D.C.'s Secret Diary! Dear Diary, Oh my gawd so remember when Corey warned Lloyd that he might get hurt if he went after D-bag Court and he was all, "I want to get hurt"? You said it Lloyd! Now you've gone and done it Lloyd. Why didn't you write me a poem instead. Me, Lloyd.  The girl with the perm? Why is your name Lloyd anyway, you're not a janitor and isn't this like 1989?

3. The Geek in Sixteen Candles. I swear I'm not hatin' on Molly Ringwald characters, or anything. But. Sweet-sixteen Sam is wasting her time with alpha jock Jake Ryan. She should've gone for someone - anyone - else. Even for the Geek, played by Anthony Michael Hall.

The Geek: One pair of panties away from macho geek hero.

Yeah, he's over the top geeky, and he's a lil' obsessed with building up his image as a suave high school womanizer. But he's kinda endearing. And he's better than the alternative, Jake Ryan, who's all, "I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love that's gonna love me back." That's real sweet and touching, Jake. I'm glad you were able to bake that birthday cake by yourself and find a plaid shirt that suits your football player's physique. Jocks have feelings? Whaaaaaaat.

But I'll give this movie points for giving The Geek a chance of his high school lifetime in the car with Jake Ryan's girlfriend that Jake Ryan isn't into anymore because she's not deep enough or whatever (wow, you really respect women, Jake.) It reminds me of that triumphant episode of Freaks and Geeks when Bill gets his seven minutes of heaven with popular blonde Vicky at a kissing party. (I just love Bill, he's my favorite).

4. The Blind Date Guy in Teen Witch. Okay, this one's a pity vote. There's a scene in that slice of '80s cheese, Teen Witch (which is trying so hard to be Sixteen Candles), when dopey heroine Louise ends up at a school dance on a blind date. The blind date guy turns out to be both a dork and a total skeeze, but I think the film writers should've cut him some slack because he looks a bit like Buddy Holly and is a babe compared to the alpha jock Louise falls for.

Baxters R this guy: I don't even know why this promotional photo exists, because this Buddy Holly lookalike guy is a minor character who appears in Teen Witch for all of ten minutes.

So, in conclusion: if you're Lloyd Dobler, don't go for girl who's a total priss. And if you're a girl in an '80s movie thinking about going for a cool guy, don't do it. It's not worth it. He's either going to make your life stressful or super boring.

The right attitude to have is Veronica's in the movie Heathers when she says to J.D., who by then is her ex-boyfriend, "You know what I want, babe? Cool guys like you out of my life."

Take a lesson from Heathers: Dating a cool guy will MESS YOU UP, girl.