Bust A Career Move

Seeing as how this is a fashion blog, I think I ought to 'fess up to something. I say 'fess up, because I know I'm going to lose all the hip, indie fashion-blogging cred that I worked SO HARD to build up. Well, not really. But here goes. Y'see, after I graduated college, I might've auditioned for fashion modeling in my hometown of Houston, Texas.

Really? True story. And if you're skeptical, pragmatic, and wearing a moustache as you look down upon me for this, you're not the only one! When I told my parents I was going to spend a Saturday afternoon at some modeling agency, my dad sort of went, "Modeling? Modeling is what people do on the fringes of society," as if I had suggested I was going to run drugs across the US-Mexico border or stump tickets at an adult movie theater or something. My mom said that was fine, she just didn't want me to model underwear. Well, they were both way jumping the gun with that advice!

Omg, modeling! (I seriously had time after I graduated to hang out and take dorky self-portraits of myself. Most of these are not worth sharing, but still. Well-cultivated boredom, my friends!)

See, I thought this: What else does a decently attractive, sufficiently bored, unemployed, and over-educated girl with student loans to pay off do with her time? Other than become a model? Right on! If I was lucky, I might even have a cool story for later. Like, Hey guys, remember that time I paid off all my student loans and got married to a fashion photographer's second assistant because I was modeling modest athletic attire for women? Okay, so maybe not as cool as that. (But I made my modeling product unsexy, and my future husband just the second assistant, so my story would be cool but still believable.)

Anyway, so this is how it happened: Partly as a joke, I submitted an online form on a modeling agency's website, and to my amusement and surprise they phoned me about an open call during the weekend. I rolled up at the agency that Saturday and discovered, once everyone for the open call was herded into a small windowless room, that I was the oldest person there. Well, I was the oldest person who was not somebody's parent, or the auditioners.

The auditioners, our judges in a totally arbitrary trial, were a lady who resembled Tyra Banks in attitude and appearance, and whose tiny frame was encased in a pair of neon leggings, and a sullen and bored-looking girl (probably, like, five years my senior) with hair like Cat Power's.

And let me tell you this: it sucked. I was in a room full of ambitious, pushy parents and hesitant, awkward kids whose very personalities were on trial. There was so much desperation and tension in that room, it could've powered, like, Steamship Pre-Teen Angst. And I was the only one there who didn't care about the outcome of this audition. Well, me and Cat Power Hair Lady.

There were two modeling divisions: Runway and Commercial. Runway was for girls who were at least 5'9" and had hips under 35 inches, Commercial was for everybody else. Tyra Banks' Dopp spent the first twenty minutes of the audition delivering a sassy lecture about how it doesn't matter how pretty, funny, or cute anyone is - if you don't meet the qualifications for modeling, or fit the image that an advertising client wants, you won't cut it.

You also won't cut it if you expect to be an instant Angelina Jolie. Apparently, Angelina Jolie struggled to make it in modeling and acting because she didn't have the all-American look, but she got famous because she pushed herself. This was also the life story of Alexis Bledel, and countless other inspiring actors who had been represented by the agency and whose photos decorated the walls like trophies. Everyone looked terrified as Tyra Banks II delivered her sassy lecture. I was smirking. I'm pretty sure Cat Power Hair Lady was too.

Hello, 1-800-Dial-A-Model, am I a model yet or did I get Tyra Bank'd? Also, does this lipstick shade make me look like a confident woman with a waist to hip ratio of 0.7, or not so much?

After the lecture was over, nobody left. This might seem a bit surprising, but I'm sure the affect of that speech was that everyone was frozen in terror. Next up was the audition. We all had to go up one by one, introduce ourselves, and read a ten-second ad about a pretend product. The kids all did the reading the way kids present book reports in front of their class - lots of nervous shuffling, monotone reading from the page, and anxious giggling.

At the end of each read, Tyra Banks' Dopp asked us how the kid's performance had been. Good? Bad? Awful? Boring? It was sad because the parents weren't supportive, just deadly honest. "She was too nervous. She could've done better," one mom said, as if trying to disassociate from her awkward, nervous preteen daughter. I thought, "Mom up! Tell Tyra Banks to shove it where the sun don't shine, grab your daughter and get the heck out of here! Defending your kid from meanies is your parental duty!" But no one did this. In fact, I was one of the only ones who would offer constructive comments, instead of sitting in scared silence or coughing up a, "No good."

Then it was my turn. I stood in front of that crowd and delivered that ad like an elementary school teacher reading to a group of hard-of-hearing preschoolers. And surprise of surprises, Tyra Banks II dug it. It was not a good read. It was not very good acting. But I was twenty-two years old, and I didn't give (much of) a damn about these proceedings, and that came off as confidence. Tyra the Tyrant even said to me, "I like you. You have confidence." Well, gee thanks, T.B. II.

So ... posing or falling? Who cares, I've definitely got natural talent here!

And so, what was the upshot? I accidentally took my application with all my information home with me, and so I never got called back. But you know what? I really think that was for the best. And I hope most of those kids got back to reading comic books and drawing and playing outside, and whatever else cool, funny, creative kids do for a living, instead of going into advertising.

Now, I'm sure modeling is fun and creative and pays well, or at least that's what I was hoping when I tried out. And, I'll admit, for a deluded moment I thought it might be kind of bad-ass to nonchalantly have a modeling career on the side, like Audrey Tatou's character in that movie Dieu Et Grand, Je Suis Toute Petite or like Sylvia Plath (did I make that one up?)

But if you think about it, child modeling is really weird. It's like telling your kid that even though you live in a first world country and you're safely ensconced in the middle class economic bracket, he or she is probably better off with a job. You're eight years old and you haven't worked a lick in your life, kid? Stop being a lazy ass, put those Barbies and Tonka trucks (I'm assuming kids today still play with these kinds of toys) away, and get yourself hired as a child model, for crying out loud! Are all the cool kids supposed to have jobs and mortgages by the age of, like, twelve? What a bummer. I hope not.

Menswear

Sometimes I like to browse the men's shirts in Goodwill. The fabrics and prints are always so cool, and sometimes they're way more aesthetically intriguing than their counterparts in the women's section.

I never really get looked at twice in the men's depo. One, because I could be buying a shirt for my boyfriend/uncle/boss/dentist/taxidermist. Two, because it is totally okay in modern American society for women to wear menswear, as long as it is properly feminized. It's scientific. The term "Boyfriend Sweater" arose out of some primal need in women to borrow their boyfriends' cardigans when they can't find their own, or because they want a garment that's actually warm or that has a decent amount of pockets.

I definitely have that primal need. And so today I'm showcasing my recent menswear find from Goodwill. This isn't a Boyfriend Sweater, this is a Dead Fat Guy Whom I Never Dated Flannel Shirt.

I guess you're wondering who I am to judge whether the former owner of this Claybrooke Outdoors purple flannel shirt is dead or alive or fat. I mean, a size large is a normal size in menswear, and the ex-owner could've been some normal, well-meaning chap cleaning out his basement or attic. I like to think the best of people! Like, there's no way this guy was a bearded ax-murderer!

I'm sure he was just some cool, socially adjusted, but slightly distracted feller who put too many pens or pairs of keys in the right breast pocket, so he ripped the seam. That was an easy fix-up sewing project for me, plus I got a dollar off the shirt!

Snacks for thought: Wearing pieces of men's clothing is considered socially acceptable for women, because it is (still) an act of appropriating the apparel of a superior class, economically and professionally. Hence the women's pantsuit. Gender hierarchy means that women have greater mobility when it comes to wearing gendered clothing, masculine or feminine. This goes to show that sometimes being able to wear what you want is possible for really rotten ideological reasons.

So, for better or worse, what are some of your favorite menswear items, or menswear that has crossed over to womenswear?

I Need A Big Loan From A Girl Zone

Women and work is one topic that's always hot. Speaking of which, I recently watched the movie 9 to 5, starring Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda, and Lily Tomlin as disgruntled corporate employees whose boss is a serious case of institutional sexism. The movie is a big feminist high five and a legit comedy at the same time. The ladies seek revenge on their egotistical boss, pick up some laughs along the way, and prove themselves in the company while they're at it.

Workin' 9 to 5 in 1980.

Now, the corporate male chauvinist is a pretty obvious target, and he's as powerful in 2011 as he was in 1980. But there's also the odd truth to consider, which is that in the professional world, the most powerful way females have found to cut another woman down is to remark on how she doesn't fit into the beauty/sexual acceptability quotient - like, by dismissing her clothes as matronly, slutty, or outdated. On the other hand, the way to gain another's woman appreciation or to establish a rapport with her is to compliment her hairdo, accessories, or outfit.

This ain't middle school anymore, ladies, but this is still how reps go down. When ladies diss another woman's appearance and that diss diminishes her talent, ability, and authority, the result is that women themselves are not only perpetuating but enforcing the gender stereotype that a woman's worth and power is rooted in how she looks. Now, keeping mum unless you've something nice to say may seem like an obvious etiquette lesson, but you'd be surprised at how politically loaded the language of the female compliment/female diss can be.

Is it lunchtime or hagfest?

All of this probably sounds like a weird thing for me to talk about, since I write a style blog that's based upon the premise that it's pretty cool and worthwhile to look cool and worthwhile. So, to clarify, is it dandy to dress creatively, have a rad sense of style, and to genuinely give and accept fashion compliments? Heck yeah! Is it also nifty to creatively and humorously diss, boo, and give the thumbs down to certain styles? Absolutely, as long as it's not done with the intention of undercutting a woman as a person. And that's my whole point.

Chill out, ladies. How's about you and me go back to Dolly's house and smoke a joint?

And as for the enigmatic title of this post - it's a reference to the Tori Amos song "Caught A Lite Sneeze." It's a song about a bad break-up. I know, what does that have to do with anything? Well, I've always interpreted that lyric "need a big loan from a girl zone" to mean that the song's subject needs support from her girlfriends. Or maybe it's that she's going lez because boys suck. Whatever, I guess that still works. Let's go with option A, women being supportive of each other instead of being catty.

Not that I'm advocating some kumbaya, friendship-bracelet collective sisterhood in the workplace. Just some human decency would be pretty alright. And that goes for both sexes. Turns out, a sassy attitude only flies when you work in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana.

Via hipster parks and rec.

Online Yard Sale with That Dress Isn't Pretty Anymore!

Buy my loot, please!

I am selling part of my wardrobe here, and you could be the lucky buyer, if you play your cards right.

The clothes listed for sale are totally rad and guaranteed to win you friends and influence people. What more motivation do you need?

How about this: Your support will go towards making a hungry child (me) happy! And I'm hungry now, so start spending. I accept cash delivered by your friend Vinnie, IOUs, baked goods, and PayPal.

1. New Mexico Moon People Jean Jacket, $6

This is a size large Levi Strauss jacket that a kid eager to be cool decorated the hell out of in 1985. It made its way to my closet in 2011, and maybe it'll make its way to yours before 2012? The last time I wore this jacket was on Halloween, and I got asked to a football game by a high school boy in a "Sexy Raggedy Ann" costume. Even if that's stretching the truth a little, you're sure to score with this jacket, one way or another!

2. Pumpkin Galore Chiffon Dress, $10

Orange you glad this baby's for sale? You bet your life! This happy little pumpkin has a retro '60s look to it, along with unforgettable features like these chiffon "batwings" that won't fail to amuse you (see picture). Tag says medium, but it's a bit roomy on me - so plan accordingly, all you Ms. Mediums! Whether you choose to be a weirdo like me and wear this dress with clashing green gloves and a hat made from an avocado net is totally up to you - I certainly won't judge you.

3. Dawn Weiner Nostalgia Sweatshirt, $5

Old lady or hipster? Don't worry, this sweatshirt will make the decision for you! Be the nerdy star of your own life (if your life were Welcome To The Dollhouse) with this comfy cotton pullover. Comes with a fake collar and a mockingbird/flower motif. Junior high angst not included.

4. Swedish As Fuck Mustard Yellow Cardigan, $12

That's right, S.A.F! This is an H&M cardigan that I purchased in San Francisco because I was cold in the summer once upon a time, and now I'm over it. But I hope you're into it! It's an angora button-up cardie with a tie waist. It's pretty darn sassy.

5. Math Is My Jam Sailor Sweater, $7

This darlin' little polyester number here is all decked out with navy blue stripes and gold buttons. Guess you could call it sailor-themed, but it also reminds me of graph paper. One button is missing, but little flaws just give a good-girl sweater like this one some street cred!

6.  So 2006 Burgundy Party Dress, $15

This is a strapless burgundy wallpaper-patterned dress with a black tulle skirt. Comes with its own matching belt, which is so 2006, but just think - in another, like, ten years this will be a vintage item, and you'll be kicking yourself for not owning it (and so will I!) I think this was my homecoming dress, in which case I probably spent most of my time in this dress requesting music that no one wants to hear at a high school dance (like Zlad), hiding in the bathroom with my fellow coterie of troublemakers, and drawing penises in the sparkly confetti. Win-nerrr.

7. Hey There Cool Thing Black Bubble Dress, $6

This isn't a Sonic Youth "Kool Thing." But it's cool, yeah? Sigh. How do I justify owning this dress? It has a turtleneck collar and a bubble hem. Maybe there are times when a girl wants to keep her upper half warm while showing off her legs, okay? If you feel the same way, then you should go for this snuggly black dress. All the prom-age boys will be all up on. I swear I'm not advocating anything untoward here. Go fer eeet!

8. Modesty Is Okay Floral Skirt, $8  [RESERVED]

Remember in the '80s when girls used to wear long skirts with baggy sweaters on top? Even if you don't remember this, it happened. Featured here is a Ralph Lauren floral skirt, size 4. I like to pretend it fits but sometimes I'll, say, eat a burrito while I'm wearing it, and it's like God reminding me ... I don't know, not to eat the burrito? Anyways, this skirt is super cute and looks good with anything from a lingerie top to a baggy sweater!

9. Alpha Female Acid Wash Jean Skirt, $7 [RESERVED]

Hey there alpha females, this is your must-have: a gorgeous acid wash jean skirt. It's a size 12. Now, I know sizes don't mean anything because they vary with the brand and have changed throughout the decades thanks to vanity sizing. But! Long story short, this little cutie is a bit too loosey goosey on me.  I bought it in the hopes of using DIY remedies to shrink it so's it would adhere to my waist. Well, my friends, when it comes to DIY desperation, there is no smell quite like boiled denim on the stovetop in the morning. In other news, this skirt is yours for seven (count 'em) one dollar bills.

Remember, by buying anything from this list, you are helping to pay for my platelet-rich plasma facial rejuvenation next meal!

I apologize for the lack of photo quality! If you've any questions and/or are interested in purchasing any of these fine threads, you can leave a comment on this post or contact me at thatdressisntpretty [at] gmail [dot] com. 

Looking Dumb, Keeping Warm

Wearing ridiculous clothing items to keep warm is one of my favorite things to do, and is one of the guiding principles of this blog. After all, since I buy most of my clothes secondhand, I've made it a habit to traffic in bizarre and outdated styles.

But how about when commercial fashion comes up with silly garments for keeping warm? Even better!

To me, the prime example of a ridiculous winter clothing item is the fur vest.

Would you invest in this, fur real? Via instyle.com.

Fur is classy. It's classic. But when it's just a vest, I don't see the point. It's gotta be a gratuitious fashion item, because there's no way a fur vest keeps a person all that warm. Gratuitious but classy? Actually, that sounds like my bottom line.

Alright then. I also used the powers of the Internet to look up some upscale department stores and scoped out what a whole gamut of fashion lines are carrying for their winter apparel. The absurdest of the bunch? The definite winner (in a not-really-fair contest) was Ralph Lauren's menswear collection for Winter 2011. Ch-ch-check out all dem silly swettas:

It is a genuine art, okay, to look this manly while wearing a sweater emblazoned with a lobster, or a reindeer, or whatever the heck that thing is. Via ralphlauren.com.

Well, color me plaid, if sex appeal doesn't wear a bowtie and knitwear, then Ralph Lauren took a helluva risk on their ad campaign this season. Via ralphlauren.com.

All I want for Christmas is a Mongolian lamb vest and a fox fur capelet, and a Ralph Lauren model snuggled up in a holiday sweater and sprawled in front of my fireplace. Just kidding, what I really want is a pony.

Funny Looking

This is a blog about style, but it's also a blog about things that I find funny.

My friend Camille recommended that I check out a book by Mindy Kaling, the actress from The Office who plays Kelly. I didn't know who Mindy Kaling was, so I looked her up and found her website, where I stumbled upon this post about funny women and their looks.

Of course, the lady is on to something. Really good looking people are supposed to be too preoccupied with their looks to crack jokes, and people cracking jokes are supposed to be too funny to care about their looks. This is especially true for women. So, I made this list. I'm going to steal a line here from the movie Clerks - these rules aren't broad generalizations, but rather generalizations about broads!

The Funny Looking Rules for Women

1. As a woman, if you want to be taken seriously at being funny, then you can't be too attractive.

2. If you are attractive, make sure that everyone perceives you as incidentally attractive. This is because good looks distract from your sense of humor. Looking good is for pageant queens, not comedians!

3. If you're not so good looking, be sure to point out your physical flaws and mock them whenever you can.

Lookin' good but not too good: Tina Fey.

4. Whether you're a looker or not, anticipate critiques of your body, and always be the first to say that you're a fat ho with Cro-Magnon hands! This is something that Tina Fey does, and also Amy Sedaris, and look how successful at being funny they are! 

5. Never be serious about being sexy. If you're just a few crumbs away from being a total sex muffin, joke that you used to be a gargoyle before the prosthetics.

6. Make fun of female beauty routines. Be sure to mock your own weekly eyebrow thread/Brazilian wax/mani n' pedi.

7. It's a challenge to ride the wave of social acceptability, meet the beauty quotient, and be funny all at the same time! Just remember, ladies, you gotta take some hard knocks when you want to succeed in comedy.

Looks aside, I love books by funny women. I once read the entirety of Tina Fey's Bossypants in a Barnes & Noble's. I didn't buy it, though, because I didn't want to cough up $25 for the hardback. (Sorry, Tina!) Amy Sedaris' cooking/entertaining book is a winner too. I once read it cover to cover while my friend was cleaning her apartment before a party. There's an irony there!

Treadin' the fine line between straight up sexy and comically sexy: Amy Sedaris.

And one of my favorite books by a funny woman is How To Catch A Man, How To Keep A Man, How To Get Rid Of A Man by Zsa Zsa Gabor. I found a copy of this book in a train station in Seattle, and it now holds a special spot in my book collection. The title sounds pretty dumb, but you'd be surprised!  Zsa Zsa is a clever and sharp-witted lady, and has some strong opinions - so you bet I'd invite her over for some gin and tonics!

Now who you callin' funny looking?